Most individuals have fantasized of what it would be like to be up on stage singing or performing for thousands of screaming fans -- I know I have. Who hasn't strummed the strings of their favorite air-guitar? Who hasn't once held those imaginary drumsticks and wailed wildly in the air keeping beat with their favorite song - I am going to presume, we all have. However, who really knows what it is like to live the life of a musician and being more specific, a "rock star". Oh we hear the stories and read the reports, but who actually has the insight of that lifestyle? Well, let me tell you, I have a pretty good perspective of the other side after watching a well put together documentary titled, "Waking up Dead."
I received an e-mail promoting the film and just by the subject title, I thought it might be interesting. I delved a little further and discovered the filmis main "star" was former Saigon Kick and Skid Row drummer Phil Varone. Waking up Dead is a project that documents Phil's trials and tribulations during the height of his drug use and rocker lifestyle. The film follows him during his stint with Skid Row and gives the viewer a backstage glimpse of the literal highs and lows of a lifestyle that most people would trade almost anything to live.
Fears was able to schedule an interview with Phil and for about 30 minutes, we spoke about his life before and after drugs and how this once drug dependent drummer has cleaned up and of all things, is now a stand-up comic.
Fears: Well, I’ve seen your itinerary and it is pretty jammed pack so I won’t keep you very long.
Phil: Yeah, it’s pretty crazy.
Fears: First let me say, the DVD (Waking up Dead) is outstanding. Phil: Well thank you. I appreciate that.
Fears: To start, would you please provide a timeline of when the footage was shot?
Phil: Yeah we started (pause) well, you know, not knowing that it was going to be a movie, but the actual filming of it started in 2000 and it went up until about the end of 2003.
Fears: Now that the footage has been put together for some years now, how does Phil view himself in his moment of clarity versus when the viewer of the movie sees this dazed and confused individual? How do you view yourself today?
Phil: Well now I don’t hate myself anymore. That’s good. Looking in the mirror and looking at yourself and hating the person standing there was definitely pretty much part of my daily regiment. Being clear and (pause) it’s weird watching. It’s funny, I was sitting here with my manager the other day, cause we were going through some footage for a lecture tour, and some of the coke footage came on and I turned my head away and she goes, “How do you feel about that?” I was like, ‘I really can’t watch it. I turned my head away.’ She goes, “No, I noticed that that’s why I’m curious.”
It’s hard to watch, you know? That was a different time. That was a different mine set. When I watch that I also think about all the destruction around me, you know, with all my friends and family and stuff like that. So it’s really tough. I mean it’s night and day as far as a person is concerned you know. And a lot of my friends that I kinda lost touch with over that course of time, when they watch the move they’re like, “Who the fuck is that guy? Like who is that? I’ve never seen anything like that.” And they’re saying that cause they knew me as this other person and that’s exactly what it is. It’s my other person. His name is Hans. That’s my crazy brain and his name is Hans and that’s who you saw on the screen. Hans comes out these days though. Not in the drug sense, but in the “You can’t do this. You’re not good enough.” That kind of sense.
Fears: So there is that constant battle between you and Hans everyday?
Phil: Sure. It’s a constant battle everyday. You know the old cliché “One day at a time” and that’s all I got. It’s funny cause people always ask me, for some reason everything has to be, “How much time ya have? How long have you been sober?” and you know what, I’ve always had a problem answering that because being sober; time doesn’t matter. I’ve known people that have been sober for fifteen years start drinking in a second. What we have and what I am is ‘I’m sober today’ is how I answer it. Right now, you know, at 3:48 in L.A., I am sober and at 3:49 I hope to be sober and if I am at 3:49, I’ll be freaking happy and that’s the thing you hear when you listen to people share at meetings. They say, and I found it quite shocking when I first listened to it, people say, “You know, if I stay sober for tonight, tomorrow I’ll have two years.” They don’t say, tomorrow when I wake up, I’ll have two years. They say, “If I stay sober tonight.” You know, like it is always on the backburner and at any point, you can go out. That’s called respecting the disease. It’s knowing that we’re dealing with the disease and that’s what people don’t understand.
Fears: I find the concept of “respecting” the disease interesting. You have to respect something that cannot be seen and not of a physical being, but something that can sure as hell wreck a person physically.
Phil: You have to respect the disease because when my ego, that’s why it took so long to get sober, because my ego (pause) you know, I resent people that can drink and have one drink. I resent people who can do a lot of cocaine and have fun and go home and be okay. You know, ‘Fuck you.’
(laughter from both)
Phil: We laugh about it, but that’s really a big resentment as an addict. That’s kind of like, think about something. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life.
Fears: Really. But yet you’ve done….
Phil: Never ever. But like people that cannot put cigarettes down, you know, and they’ll look at me and say, “I can’t believe you don’t smoke. I can’t believe you.” They’re mad that I don’t. It’s like the same thing, when you’re hooked to something, when you have an addiction to like cigarettes or like eating or like drugs whatever and the other person doesn’t, you get kind of pissed off. I would love to be able to have a drink and be a normal person, but I just can’t. That’s not in my makeup. I’m an addict and that’s how I live through it. Let me tell you something just as a quick thing.
You don’t have to be drunk to have fun. I have a freakin’ blast sober. I mean I have a lot of fun and my new addiction is sex and coffee. So there we go.
Fears: Well, I don’t drink coffee, but sex is sure nice.
Phil: The problem is trying to figure out a way that the mug doesn’t slide off of her back while I’m bangin’ her. That there’s a problem.
(Laughter erupts)
Phil: And as soon as I figure that out…
Fears: (laughing) You’ve got to stop pounding the ass so hard…
Phil: (laughing) That’s it or maybe I gotta get one of those really solid coasters like for dashboards.
Fears: (still laughing). Like with the Velcro or double-sided tape…
Phil: Yeah, somethin’. I’ve got to figure out something…I mean, ‘put this coffee saddle on your back real quick’ (laughing) Yeah, but once I figure that out, I’ll be happy. Also too, I'm waiting for O’Doul’s to come out with cocaine. That’s when I’m really gonna have uh (pause) it’s funny cause doing comedy and stuff like that it’s a good way to have some fun with the bad things in life.
Fears: Let me just say that the person who I watched on TV is not the same person who I am speaking with now. It appears, and I say appears because what really happens in one’s personal life only they know, that you are conquering your demons and what an accomplishment that must be for you. With that said, you have been places where few will ever go and done things that only a select few will ever have the chance to do. You gained so much, but you also lost so much. To date, what has been your most achieving moment in your life? For example, getting signed, playing in front of grand audiences, family or is it just getting to the point in your life where you are right now at 3:52 pm?
Phil: You know there’s a lot of great accomplishments in life. Starting with having children, to getting your first record deal, to your first tours, playing Highway to Hell with Rick Nielsen from Cheap Trick to opening for Kiss. There’s so many great things. But ultimately, right now, I’m in such a good place across the board and the only way I could be in that place, where I’m at now as far as sobriety is concerned, is because of the great people who surround me and that are in my life.
Fears: I guess that support system is a very crucial element to have.
Phil: Yeah everyday. I have a sponsor and I call him all the time. If I get into an argument, you know, I just try to stay very mellow and I try to stay very positive about everything; I truly do. But if I have a bad day man, I call this guy all the time. Like if there is a driver in front of me that is going slow and it just irks me and I just lose it for a second and I don’t even really have road rage, but in general, something that gets to me, I call my sponsor so I can talk through it. That’s how we do it because some people turn the car into a bar and just go and grab a drink. Let me put it this way, how many times have you heard, “Jeez, I had a fuckin’ bad day today. I need a drink.”
Fears: Many times.
Phil: Okay, well there you go. That’s how I’m programmed. That’s how everybody I know is programmed and that’s how I know that alcoholics are programmed because that is what takes the edge off. But I don’t have that anymore. We don’t have, as alcoholics and drug addicts, we don’t have that now so we have to figure out another way to take the edge off and that’s talking to your sponsor or talking to people close to you and getting it out.
Fears: It seems the brain is constantly having to be in the mode of overcome, overcome overcome.
Phil: Yeah. You know what is funny? In a meeting, somebody said something very funny. An alcoholic says, “Yeah, today I’m doing the alcoholic opera. Ai-ya-ya-ya-ya Me-Me-Me-Me-Me-Me” you know? That’s it, you got to stop thinking. You’ve got to shut your brain off for one second. It’s so hard to sometimes cause you’re in that situation where you just want everything to be great and you don’t want to have any conflicts that’s gonna make you want to drink or do drugs. But then again, you just go through life and that’s the way it is. When you’re sober, you still have the same life and it’s the guy next to you. It’s just that we do it sober.
Fears: For the individuals who I have let watch Waking up Dead, there are two questions that have surfaced. First, “Is this real?” and second, “Is this typical of what a “rock star” goes through?” Your response.
Phil: Well, nothing is staged is you’re asking me that. I remember sitting down one Thanksgiving and I was at Vince Neil’s (Motley Crue singer) house and it was him and I sitting at the table, cause everybody had already settled in for the night, and we’re sitting around drinking, he’s sober now too, but at the time him and I were drinking and we were just kind of reminiscing and man he started telling me stories and I was like, ‘I don’t know shit.’ My life is a wash compared to this guy. So I lived a pretty crazy life and I wasn’t even that famous. Like somebody like Vince Neil and Tommy, you know, the Motley guys and Aerosmith, those guys lived like on the edge. Oh my God, if you listen to stories, I looked at Vince and I was like, ‘Dude, you are fucking so lucky you are alive. You know that right?’ And that’s what we do. People will look at me and go, “You are so lucky you are alive.”
Fears: I have to be honest, I said the same thing.
Phil: But let me say this real quick. I’m not an addict because I’m a rock star. I’m an addict cause I’m an addict.
Fears: But didn’t your chosen profession contribute and exposed you to more than the average person?
Phil: It was a catalyst to let me kick the envelope a little more because I was more catered to. I only worked forty-five minutes a night and I had people around me holding my hand. You know, I was going to be an architect and a golf pro and I would have probably been a coke addict then. It doesn’t matter. The point is is that addict is an addict. It doesn’t matter what the hell you do and that’s pretty apparent when I’m in meetings with people and you look around and they’re just regular people and there’s some huge stars and there’s just average Joes and everything else. We’re all in it together. Our professions are shit. We leave those at the door. When you walk through that door into those meetings, you are just like the guy next to you. There is no difference whatsoever. Some of us are more fortunate that we were able to have access to more money and to more antics. I mean I’m sure if I was an architect I wouldn’t be in the middle of a coke orgy with supermodels, but the point is that you still would’ve been in the middle of a coke orgy. It’s just the difference in the participants around you where you might not have supermodels and celebs, but still you have access to cocaine no matter what you do. I know that my therapist originally has treated doctors and lawyers.
Fears: And that is what he mentioned in the film.
Phil: Oh yeah. He had some really great stories of these professionals that just had lost it. You want to hear a funny story real quick?
Fears: Go for it.
Phil: I’m getting nose surgery, if I sound a little nasally; I’ve been on ongoing reconstruction on my nose because of the cocaine. So I was at my nose doctor and we were talking and we’re scheduling one of the final surgeries, which I hope to finally get my right side reconstructed where I can breathe. Cause I can’t taste or smell. So she was telling me about cocaine and she says, back in the seventies when she was a resident, they actually had cocaine in the office and they used to use it on patients because it constricts blood vessels and it also numbs. And apparently they use it today during surgery, liquid pharmaceutical cocaine, to restrict the blood vessels and she said they stopped using cocaine in the office because people were stealing it out of the medicine cabinets. It’s like the same thing as stealing pills or whatever and it was kind of shocking, but it’s ironic that a nose doctor would use cocaine to stop the bleeding or numb a nose where my whole problem is because of cocaine. So I started laughing and said to her that I wished I would have known about this liquid cocaine because it would have saved me a lot of damage.
Fears: What was an eye opener for me was that piece of footage in the film where you are standing in front of your bathroom mirror and you mentioned that you couldn’t even breathe through one nostril. I said to myself, he must have damage himself pretty good and I guess my assumptions were correct. That’s crazy man.
Phil: Yeah.
Watch Phil Varone in WAKING UP DEAD:
Fears: After viewing the film, I remarked that he (you) should take his experiences and put them out on the lecture circuit. You alluded to this before I started recording so will you please elaborate?
Phil: It’s funny, I was in the editing bay editing the E.P.K. (electronic press kit), which will be on my MySpace page, and we edited the lecture because I have to do an E.P.K. to sell to the colleges, which is my plan. My plan is to get to the colleges, prisons, rehab places and really tell the story. Because ultimately what I have learned about going to meetings and speaking and listening to other addicts is that I realized that I am one of them and I think the best way to let somebody know that they are an addict is to let them figure it out themselves. So the only way to do that, to me, is to kind of talk about my story and tell them certain things and let someone go, “Oh shit, I did that. Wait a minute; I think I am this guy.” And that’s how I really figured it out. I knew I had a problem, but when I heard somebody else with the same problem that I had and they kind of like made it legit, I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I am that. So now I can get help for it.’ And that’s how I did it. So I’m hoping that by lecturing, and you know, I’m gonna have fun with it. I’m a standup comic so I going to be able to have fun and tell jokes. You have to have fun with it. That’s how you do it. You just can’t sit up there like, ‘You’re gonna die son if you do this.’
Fears: You can still drive home the point, but not pound someone’s head doing it.
Phil: The reason why I think if you make light of it in some respects, but really tell the story, is because some of the best moments in meetings is when people share about their crazy experiences and it kind of lightens it up a bit, but still keeps the seriousness on it. It makes people go, “Yeah, I did that.” Some of the shit (laughing), I mean I’m like a rock star in a meeting of a lot of rock stars and other things, but like when regular people start sharing stuff, the rock stars look at each other like, “I never threw a barbeque through my neighbor’s window. I don’t know what the fuck he was doing.” It’s so funny, so you think that the rock star has crazy stories, but these regular people are out of fuckin’ control too. You don’t have to be a rock star to throw a television out of a freakin’ window. It’s really quite an eye opener and that’s why you check your ego in at the door…
Fears: (interjecting) and you become just a stripped down person.
Phil: That’s all you are man. You’re just an addict sitting there on a chair looking at some other people that are addicts.
Fears: Let’s steer toward your music career real quick, I am in Tampa, which I am sure you are very familiar with.
Phil: Surrre. Tampa was like my second home. I lived in south Florida for many years, I live in L.A. now, but I lived in south Florida and Tampa, believe it or not, was the place where Saigon Kick, my first band, sold the most records of any place.
Fears: Well, for those of us who were in the area around Saigon’s existence remember you all well. From the Rocket It Club to…
Phil: …98 Rock. A lot of good people. We did two records over there at Morrissound. So we had fun. The chicks, oh, I think I screwed everybody in Tampa. I don’t think anybody is left. Actually I’m going to be in Tampa on December 1st. I’m going there for a fetish fundraiser for Toys for Tots.
Fears: Is your music career pretty much on hold in order to promote sobriety as well as to do your stand up?
Phil: Yeah, pretty much. You know, I did a record a few months ago and I had an absolute blast because it was the first time I wasn’t stressed out of my head; I wasn’t in a band and I was actually able to enjoy my instrument. I’ll probably to some studio stuff. I have no desire to get into a band and do touring or anything like that. I’m really really excited to do the lecture circuit and also my comedy show - the Sex, Stand-up and Rock and Roll show. So I have a ton of other things on my plate and a ton of other ways to get out in front of the people and meet fans again and do all that stuff. So I don’t need to tour or need to play music. I would certainly like to get back into a studio situation to play my drums again and I want to love my drums again, but right now I’m now ready for it and my sponsor definitely thinks I’m not ready for it. He just gets nervous when I start bringing up that I’m thinking about touring.
Fears: He’s probably, “Move the fuck along.”
Phil: Yeah he just…you know, sponsors are brutally honest and they don’t give a flying shit who you are and they just yell at ya. And that’s what you need. You need to get your brain in order.
Fears: I’m sure you must still stay in touch with the music scene.
Phil: Oh yeah. Fears: What do you think of today’s metal versus the era when Saigon Kick was pumpin’ out the hits?
Phil: To be honest with you, I don’t know any of the bands. Really, truly, I don’t listen to the radio in my car. I don’t put the radio on. I have no desire…it’s so funny because I’ll watch a band on Letterman, I tape Letterman all the time, I love David Letterman, and these bands come on and I’m like, ‘Who the freak is that? Fallout Boy? Never even heard of them. You know like Good Charlotte, never heard of them. It’s these things that I am so out of touch with. These bands, I’m sure they’re good, I don’t know. Let me tell you my music cause people ask me what I listen to. I’ll tell you what I just bought on iTunes, I bought Supertramps Greatest Hits. That’s what I listen to. Let me tell you something, I think the music industry, in general, is on a downward spiral. It has been. I guess there’s a handful of really cool bands out there. I mean, one of my good friends is in a band called Godhead and I think they’re great, but I don’t know what the new music is anymore. I truly don’t care. I don’t know if that sounds bad or not and I’m not disrespecting music; I just don’t give a shit about any of these crappy bands that have been together for a week and have these record deals that fourteen year old girls go ape-shit for because when I really research it, I’m like, ‘Who are these guys?’ They’re like twenty year old kids with hits. Shouldn’t you go through puberty first before you get a hit? I just stay out of it. Trust me; I have enough stress in my life right now that I don’t need the music business on me.
Fears: Now for my last question. I ask you this from a father’s standpoint and hopefully you don’t get pissed and hang up the phone. As I was watching the film, I saw your ex-wife and children and as a father myself, I got mad at you because you were not only doing this to yourself, but your kids as well and they didn’t deserve it.
Phil: Sure
Fears: And I’ll be honest, I was like, ‘What the fuck is this guy thinking? Why is he doing this?’, but now that I have spoken with you these few brief minutes, I now know the addiction is much stronger than the average person will ever know. So my question is this, how is the relationship with your children and ex-wife presently? And are you as honest with your children about your addiction as you are with us with?
Phil: My daughter is fifteen and my son is going to be nine. My daughter is very very intelligent and she’s very up on what has happened to me. My daughter is very very smart, um; I would lie to say that my relationship with my kids is everything I want it to be. It’s tough you know. Especially my fifteen-yr-old because we had her when I just started in Saigon Kick in ’92 and when we got our hit, she was born. So I have been out of her life for fifteen years basically. So she has some resentment issues and that’s stuff I’ll have to work out as a father. I don’t want to get too personal though. As far as my ex-wife is concerned, we’re great friends. Love her to death. She’s one of the greatest women on this fucking planet and without her I wouldn’t be able to achieve this now which is sobriety and this new career. She allows me to do this. She’s a great mom. She’s remarried to great guy and we have really great relationship and friendship.
Fears: Well Phil, it has been a great great pleasure. The DVD was great and I truly feel you have achieved much more now, than what you ever did when you were in your bands.
Fears: What do you think of today’s metal versus the era when Saigon Kick was pumpin’ out the hits?
Phil: My daughter is fifteen and my son is going to be nine. My daughter is very very intelligent and she’s very up on what has happened to me. My daughter is very very smart, um; I would lie to say that my relationship with my kids is everything I want it to be. It’s tough you know. Especially my fifteen-yr-old because we had her when I just started in Saigon Kick in ’92 and when we got our hit, she was born. So I have been out of her life for fifteen years basically. So she has some resentment issues and that’s stuff I’ll have to work out as a father. I don’t want to get too personal though. As far as my ex-wife is concerned, we’re great friends. Love her to death. She’s one of the greatest women on this fucking planet and without her I wouldn’t be able to achieve this now which is sobriety and this new career. She allows me to do this. She’s a great mom. She’s remarried to great guy and we have really great relationship and friendship.
Most individuals have fantasized of what it would be like to be up on stage singing or performing for thousands of screaming fans -- I know I have. Who hasn't strummed the strings of their favorite air-guitar? Who hasn't once held those imaginary drumsticks and wailed wildly in the air keeping beat with their favorite song - I am going to presume, we all have. However, who really knows what it is like to live the life of a musician and being more specific, a "rock star". Oh we hear the stories and read the reports, but who actually has the insight of that lifestyle? Well, let me tell you, I have a pretty good perspective of the other side after watching a well put together documentary titled, "Waking up Dead."
Phil: Well thank you. I appreciate that.
Interested in becoming an advertiser on FEARS?
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it